Blind like a brick

There has been a severe misunderstanding, by me, about 30 years ago.

See, or not, I was trying my darndest, to belong.

And to fit and agree, to behold and be seen.

That requires myself, to also feel.

And I fuckin' don't.

I am oblivious to all the hands that reach out to me, I cannot perceive, comprehend or assess the reaching out in simple human interactions.

I am drenched in attention and oration, and I am none the wiser.

I am chasing the soft embrace of acknowledgement while already being stuck in the bosom of companionship.

I am wishing so hard to be something I already am.

There is no sting of loss of connection when it goes bad. 

Can't lose sight of things you never spotted.

And I never stopped chasing, the panic never stopped, the sense of being just out of reach, and it falling away. 

Never being able to realize I am already knee deep in what I am seeking.

There has been a severe misunderstanding, by me, about 30 years ago.

I can be loved, I can share my heart in an overlap of understanding each other's heart.

I can care and give time and space, and I still will feel no confirmation of belonging.

I am blind to anything surface level. I cannot accept or put into perspective the value that may lie in niceties and politeness.

What value is an empty gesture that shows me nothing of who you are to me?

I want to be seen and accepted, and in the same vein, I want others to show themselves so I can accept them.

If I can see no raw sense of self, I feel no opening, no door, no window.

And in the now, I have to accept that I cannot perceive the steps towards the acceptance that I seek.

I am still looking for the words that might even explain that I am not trying to be a senseless asshole.

I am a social blind brick. I put all my effort into trying to see what I can see.

I can only spot the outline, when it is too late, or everything is going well.

If there is no storm, no panic, no fire, not ruptured ground, if nothing is collapsing, or nobody is naked and quivering. I don't see anything.

If I seem clueless and lost in the most normal of social occasions,

That is because I have no beacons to set a course to.

I am flying blind.

And I want to stop apologizing for not being able to do something I have never been able to anyways.

And I want people to stop judging me for lacking a skill I cannot possess.